There is something deeply romantic about the mysterious. The human mind remains a frontier, people dare to explore. It contains wondrous surprises… the human mind is a deceptive abysses. For there is no guide to one’s mind. For there is no map to follow. One must go alone. With the old cliched ‘The answer was inside of you, all along”, this is what it refers to. If one is not careful, in exploring their mind in solitude… the mind may consume you whole. As what had happened to Nietzsche… what gave way to his madness, had much to do with his descent into the depths of his own mind. Although, there are many speculations that there may be pathological reasons as to why this had occurred many believe his madness was a result of the psychological. Nietzsche knew pain.
His isolation led to his insanity.
I had suffered great pain, and such pain impels me to dive deep into my mind. It is a necessity. I’ve no choice in the matter.
So, here I be, still refuting my own beliefs. Perhaps there is something beyond-the-beyond… however, such a place is beyond human conception of description. For one to reach divinity, in flesh, one must be released from their mind—or rather, the fragile self. This is in reference to Nietszche’s Superman. In his becoming mad, perhaps he became that ideal? His consciousness inflated, joining all mass consciousness… he became everything and surpassed the human limitations of perception and physicality. Everything.
What is forever? Is that an absence of time? Or is it time unlimited?
What is it? I do not know yet. I know that this world, the one we perceive through the human sensorium is constrained to time. I know, in that this physical reality does not promise forever. Its very existence, pertains to change. It is change.
And all of this occurs in the mind. The sensorium, are always implicitly tethered to one’s neurology. We cannot forget that. We cannot throw that out, in favor for pure transcendental thought.
The mind is the limitation? If that is so… if one is to lose it, can one observe their elevation to the higher ideal of self? Or, is that the cost it takes for one to reach that ideal?
Perhaps everything is both a lie, and the truth? As per my human limitations, what is my truth. Is my cleaving away myself, from others, in absolute solitude worth it? Should I do so, would I not lose myself? Why do I wish to lose the self? Is it to be without suffering, is it to live in absolute bliss? Yes.
This world is built on both suffering, and elation. One cannot have one without the other. One must have self to be in of this world. The physical world.
The self will always have some level of fragility, with age and maturation… each self is more enduring than the last.
What keeps me anchored here? So I do not drown in the sea of my subconscious? So that little me—that conception of what I deem to be self is not swallowed whole, and perishes to be transformed into everything all at once. This physical reality, of course. In its immediacy. Does that contradict my former writing about my disbelief of the second world theory? perhaps, although, my skepticism still arises in what the second world is. Perhaps it is merely a shadow of the self… that is, the subconscious.
Perhaps that is what the metaphysical is? That which exists within the mind. That which cannot be grasped. Something nebulous, and psychological in its nature. Perhaps not transcendental although, even at this point in time human cannot explain unmeasurable phenomena past tautologies.
Perhaps the limitation, has much to do with the mind which projects and of course… contains the conception of self? Again, if one were to shed themselves of that limitation, will that lead to one being limitless? Meaning, the price to pay is madness. Can one be limitless, if the self which is used to define one dissolved? How is it possible?
In this world, I’ve come to realize that duality is the prevailing condition. The anchor to reason, in this world. That is, in being human and possessing this conception of the self. To be part of the totality of everything, one must be shed of the mind, thus, the self must be dissolved. This is like death itself. To be human, is to live in limitation. To be human, is to have that conception of self.
Is to be lack of the self, like the state before one was ever born? We cannot conceive that, for again, as aforementioned… the self is the veil.
I’ve still more to explore. Namely, literature of Carl Jung’s.
Perhaps the imagined, is synonymous to the metaphysical? Then that is my next pursuit… to question what is in a mind—or, conversely… what is a mind?
Not just with philosophy, but also with neuro-science, and psychology.
Why do I do this? To understand the self, and to of course… improve the self. So that I may better connect, and understand others. All of my life, I have felt disconnected from others… and all of my life, I have longed to be connected. To be truly understood.
One day, I want to help others navigate out of the darkness of their own subconscious. Their true enemy, being themselves… not that which they experience outside of themselves. One day, I want to.
How could others ever understand me, if I do not understand this self. As fragile, and as temporary as it is. It exists here, and now… as I have written this. This explains the delays in finding it. The pursuit appears to be impossible, and I am glad that it is.
‘‘I swear to you gentlemen, that to be overly conscious is a sickness, a real, thorough sickness”— Fyodor Dostoyevsky
For it gives my life purpose. That is why I had pursued my counterpart, mine soulmate in the flesh. To discover that of myself, which exists primarily in the subconscious. He reflects that back to me. The parts harrowing. The parts seductive. The parts consuming. The parts borne of madness (true freedom). I am both intrigued, and terrified. Yet, I’ve no choice but to love him, and I continue to love him madly. He is beyond the beyond, for what I conceive of him is reversed. Planted as the seed, within my heart… as it beats to his very image, imprinted on the back of mine eye-lids. There, sprouting up to illuminate the darker secrets which hide within me. I will find you, when you find yourself. Come back to me, one day. And when you do, it is then there we will be ready for one another. We’ve much to discuss, we’ve much to learn. Always had I loved you, for how couldn’t I have? It is in the imagined, you were there forming. You were there, waiting for me to happen upon you… and there, I saw you. Always hidden, standing illuminated in the crowd… as if you were one of its very fixtures to that hall of noise. Subdued, hidden in the darkness… just like the surprises which hide in my own unconscious. Laid bare through his eyes… the depth of the light which had existed within him… he could not hide it. How could he have? His eyes revealed it to me. Like the guiding, searching beam of a light house. A glimmer, which cried out toward me for salvation. One which had pulled me to question that sensation… one which had led me to flee away in cowardice. The treasure submerged beneath all of that ugliness, he had within him. The timing was wrong. I knew that to be true. But I begged, and pleaded. “You must exist, you must! Reveal yourself to me, regardless of how you are formed at this moment.” And that is why I had found him most beautiful. I speak of you, mine love. For there is none other, which parallels your beauty.
I wish to find my own philosopher’s stone, that is to find the treasure hidden within the unconscious depths of mine self… This treasure, in reality is the human struggle. One we all long to attain. Whether we are conscious of it, or not.
“Only the brave can reach it. This symbol points to one of life’s secrets which is expressed in countless symbolical ways in mythology.” — Carl Jung.
The metaphysical IS the unconscious.