Honor Your Emotions.

I must expand of what I had previously posted. That is, certainty.

Certainties exist only in the present.

Uncertainties exist in both the past, and the future… for they are both abstractions. Neither exist in this moment.

As for emotions…. If we do not consider ourselves, or refuse to ‘love’ ourselves… then there is no way we could ever master our emotions. We must pay careful attention to ourselves, not to forget ourselves.

Do not hide, or disapprove of yourself. Always remember that one must take care of themselves, firstly, to take care of others. Always remember to love yourself, and take care of yourself.

I like to ask myself why I feel the way I do, in any given moment. It’s very important for me, to understand. Emotions, contrary to what is perpetuated through emojis and the like… are complicated.

Human beings can feel many different emotions, simultaneously. Even those, which are in direct contradiction to one another. Whether that be happy, and sad… all at the same time.

Emotions exist in layers.

It is very easy, for us to fear our own emotions. Even those, which are negative… the stigma of ‘bad versus good’, which is presented to us through society, and of course… allegory alike will give evidence to this.

I don’t want to block my heart off from what the world has to offer. I miss feeling. Sweet and sour.


Although emotions may be important to human, it is important to note that emotions do not speak to the entire human experience… rather, they are another element, so-to-speak, which contributes to one’s experience. One sees their negative emotions as pathological, as if abnormal to the human experience… as if a disease to be cured. As an existentialist, I see all emotions as necessary. One may go into philosophical belief systems, such as stoicism to CONTROL their emotions… yes, not those positive, but those negative. As if, to see that feeling a certain way, is dysfunctional.

On the topic of negative emotions, such things can be very painful… such things are at the root of human anguish. I do not say this lightly, for I’ve had my darker experiences myself. Only now, at my twenty-six years I’ve realized that suffering is to be human.

We all run from negative emotions, whether that be through self-medication in the form of substances, anti-depressants, or distractions… addiction comes to mind. In our rejection, and fear of our emotions… they end up ruling our lives. The irony here is that, one is attempting to alleviate themselves of their emotions… when the metaphorical beast will only remain, to eat the innards of one’s psyche. Regardless of substances, regardless of distraction. There is no running.

Don’t suppress your emotions, they will destroy you. As much as you’d like to, your emotions will come out. Always, will you have emotions. The strange thing… is that your emotions, are much stronger than you (that perceived little ‘you’) are.

All of these ‘coping mechanisms’ have something in common. They dull sensitivity. In all truth, we are all sensitive.

In all truth, we are all afraid to be alive. Truly alive. Living is much more terrifying than death.

To live in passion, one lives through their emotions. I believe that emotion and passion go hand-in-hand. It is the fire, and light which burns within us. The fire, which we must learn to tend. The fire will either go out, leaving us in darkness… or it may burn so brightly, that is may consume us. Emotion is energy in motion. Movements out of ourselves, into the world. The way in-which we connect to the world. Everything we do, is of the world. We are not separate units. We are all connected, through each of us being connected in our separate ways. Our emotions speak to us, in how we find ourselves in relation to this world. That is what it is to be alive.

We must tune into our emotions, if we wish to manage and monitor them. We cannot run away from them, any longer. We must honour them. To be one with it. Emotion is the potentiality of energy, awaiting for its application to a certain task.

As an individual on anti-depressants, I do see the difference. I see how the medication narrows my scope of experience. In doing so, it leads me to be less vulnerable, in my trading off my sensitivity. My processing capacity has been cut down, exponentially. Things have been slowed down. The only thing now, that I still feel strongly is love. All of my other emotions have been dulled down. Even sadness. I feel listless, although complacent in this dulling down. Not feeling the will, or need to strive for anything as I once did.

Truth is, I’m a highly sensitive individual. Very much so. Things effect me, greatly. Although, my outer mask is in direct contradiction. Many find me intimidating. This is the shadow aspect of myself, one which is in direct opposition to the softness which is truly me. The true self, I was during my youth. I have hurt greatly, loved greatly… for me, loss is something, which is experienced to an extreme. The pain intense, to the extent that I had wanted to end my own life. That is why, I did not want to feel that pain anymore.

It is not my sensitivity’s fault. It is my denying myself of that sensitivity. To be ashamed of it. In a world where we are commanded to save face. In a world of efficiency… numbers… facts… what of emotion? We cannot deny its existence, regardless. How can I say that romance is such a stupid thing, if it elicits in me an emotion pure, and profound? One powerful, one moving.

I think it’s rather obvious why I make these posts. It’s a form of catharsis for me. A form of honoring these heavier emotions, deep within myself. To understand them better. Where they arise from, and so-forth.


There are two things we complain of, most of the time: Anxiety and depression. Both feel threatening. These two feelings, are in all truth a feeling of rising energy which has not yet found its proper application. Now, why is anxiety and depression narrowed out… above all other emotions in terms of those being negative?

To me, the feeling of despair is a mix of anxiety and depression. To be trapped in the abstractions of anywhere but here. The past, the future? We are stuck inside of our heads, attempting to figure a way out. Emotions are like that of magic, in that they are allow us to fit ourselves into any given situation. That connection.

I’ve plans of quitting my anti-depressants, after I’ve a handle on my life.

We can do better than cope, we can gather existential courage. I do not wish to, or want to deny myself the entirety of human experience. What we want, is matured, and understood emotion. One which is processed, considered and lived-through.

Don’t you know? Your anxiety proves that you are alive. We can kill ourselves in many ways. One way, being us living in a paralyzed fear… one of cold self-forgetfulness. Our disconnection with our emotions, is one way to kill ourselves. The more anxious you are, the more alive you are. Never fear your anxiety, welcome it. Anxiety is proof, that you are alive. As is depression. Depression tells us, that we are sensitive to loss. To deny yourself of this, you deny yourself… of yourself. No one requires you to suffer that much, nor to be suppressed. You are allowed to be completely alive, and to get to know who you truly are. You can be much more free than you are, right now. Do not suppress, or oppress yourself.

Rebellion shows that you are alive. Rebellion shows “I know more about myself, than you ever will.” We all must be able to do that. To take responsibility of our inner understanding of who we truly are, and who we are to become. Do not dim your light.

In my early life, I suppressed my emotion, only for it to overtake me. You are angry? Good. Let it motivate you.

Honour yourself, try to understand how you feel… there is no need to suppress yourself. Even with your walls up, those are mere illusions. Always will you be vulnerable. Either way.

I don’t want to oppress or suppress anything any longer!

I wish, to let it be.

My thanks is given to this video:

Phantasm

How is it that I’ve went from knowing everything, to realizing that I know absolutely nothing… at all?

How long must this darkness persist? Are we constantly chasing after some fantasmagorie within ourselves? These are rhetorical, for I know there is no answer… I’d be a fool if I were to ask a question, I knew couldn’t be answered.

Yet, when I feel I’ve gotten there. I still feel, even then, it is not enough. And I unleash more darkness on myself, than is necessary. I do not like to pretend, or fool myself into believing in this false sense of security which presents itself now.

The sun shines outside of me, but within me, the moon haunts me with its mystery.

Although, as seductive as it may be… to live in the moment, I hate uncertainty.

Uncertainty is worse than death itself. This world is uncertain. At the same time, I am terrified… yet also angry.

Where is a tortured individual’s reprieve against this nonsense? People see my face, and do not see the suffering. Look into my eyes, it is there… why do you think I avert my gaze from others? Not only do I not wish for you to see that part of me—but also, I do not wish to see the darkness within you.

Shall I cling to more logical distraction? Illusions of materiality (I better work, that’ll numb it for a while).

I am ill.

And yet I know, that this is temporary.

All MOMENTS are temporary. I have not yet accepted this fact about life, that there is no yes or no. Yet, that illusion of a certainty is what keeps me going I suppose… that abstraction of a future that lives in a state of impossibility.

There is no past. There is no future. Only abstractions.

We are prisoners to now. I hate now. But for later nows, I will feel differently…

Immediate Certainties.

Immediate certainties, how seductive… yet limiting they are in all truth.

What of the mind? If all things perceived are an illusion, does that mean to say that all things of the mind are not real. That they are all to be taken as a lie?

If we are to have a disbelief of this world, does that mean to say that we ourselves do not believe that which is created from our minds?

To distrust this world, is to distrust one’s mind. Would this lead one to presume, on the matters of neurology that all of which occurs, is in-fact, figments and projections of the mind? With our present times, one could conclude, that yes… this is definitely a contributive aspect.

What leads one to question reality? It is of course, the pursuit of truth.

If one were to discount all of which happens in-front of them as mere fiction… then would that mean to say, that any thoughts which arise from the mind are all lies? Where is truth? Does it perhaps exist outside of matters of the mind? Then, I ask, what is outside of the mind? Is it the phenomena we experience in our immediate reality. Non. Again, what we experience all comes back to the mind.

Yet, getting back to philosophical deliberations past biological musings… one must question the dichotomy of one’s suspension of belief in the world, in-which they are perceiving. It is, in of itself a conundrum to believe that truth in of itself exists amidst a mind which presents falsity… Impossible, for the mind created this dichotomy in the first place. If it is born of the mind, it cannot be one or the other…

The falsity of immediate certainties and secure yes or no’s. A world florid in this representation of opposition. Choose this side, or else… you are either with them, or us. For human, there is no such thing as equality. It is in our inequality, we are equal. Thus, this elucidates the problem of this generation… this fight for equality is one that is pointless, in essence. The contradictory, and paradoxical nature of human could not possibly abide by such idealistic and lofty expectations. The animalistic origin of humans, and their basal functions rebel against such things, which are beyond us. Yet, we attempt to truss ourselves in divinity, and to beyond what we truly are.

Every profound spirit needs a mask. One cannot reveal too much of themselves, to everyone. That is where madness is, one could presume. For in madness, is absolute and total freedom from the self.

Every person is a prison, even you yourself. Are we to love other prisons? To cleave to the other, can be seen as a certain kind of madness. Love, in its complexity can be seen as madness. Although, it depends on which love, you refer to. The love in-which we believe is love, is one conditional. Love me or else! As the favored god commands of his disciples. However, one cannot cleave themselves to detachment. Even then, that is still an act of attachment. Such as foolish tidings of the purely romantique, and the blind toward the impermanence of love (what you assume is love, is not love, but lust). Language has been bastardized, as a result of this information age. Information is neutral, beyond good and evil. Contextual… it depends on whom gazes upon it. Whether or not the tacit knowledge is transmuted to something communicable, will determine its impact on culture.

The conservation of self is a life-long pursuit. One which can be reached, however, one which is never permanent. To be human, is to never be guaranteed permanence. To live, is to be consequence to change. Mostly undecided… mostly beyond one’s will.

We philosophers love our truths. We must not be so precious with them however, regardless of how we cling to these ethics, within. Such ethics, we assume are set in stone. Yes, to our values! All prevailing past our stubbornness in our irrelevance. It is malleable. We forget that our condition itself is predicated on deviation away from what we are to become. Although the form of human is set, much-like the acorn who is determined to one day grow into the tree… the variables of the state of that form, is relied upon other factors. I allude to life-experience, for this metaphor.

Do I spit a lot of nonsense? Yes, and no. It depends who is reading this… I am open to contradicting myself. I will admit something, however: human nature leads me to be dogmatic, sometimes. A state, which is beyond conscious comprehension at times… although, I will my best to aim for an expansion of self-awareness in-order to secure more agency of the self (whichever one I may be).

Even then, language itself… as fickle as it is, in its translation of meaning can be misinterpreted and misunderstood. The paradoxical nature of language, in it explaining all… yet, explaining nothing at all, is one I find most interesting. It is no wonder why, the unconscious mind transcends beyond such structuralist limitations.

I do not ascribe by spirituality any-longer, that is new-age indoctrinations… with its influence from main-stream orthodox religions, and corrupted mysticism. Materiality, in-essence is its primary motive… which, is quite contradictory. The idealisms toward all things good, being prevailing and being the origin of all creation (As if all things which are true are, good)… what of bad, then? With the new-age movement of ‘The Law Of Attraction‘ leading its disciplines to cling onto toxic positivity in-hopes of escaping, that which is inherently negative (one desires, or wills to escape the opposite). What of the ethics of human, who manipulates the other through pure faith? Pure hope… that the truth (good) will always prevail? Why it is that indecency is sold under the guise of decency? We haven’t evolved out of our snake oil salesmen. We never will. So long as human being desires, always, will there be those to feast on their vulnerability.

The assumption that the human soul, and/or spirit and its intrinsic knowing is already deeply entrenched in a being, and such a half-truth is parroted in the community of spirituality. Many a time, one may argue that it is the mind or the ego which blocks us from that transcendental knowing. “Ah, they are just afraid… that is why” When in all truth, everyone is afraid. What a generalization you have grasped, bravo! To be human, is to be afraid. To be aware of one’s self, in its fragility, is to live in fear and paranoia. Perhaps another argument, which appears more substantial and not as arbitrary as the former could be attributed to human experience, in its entirety. Human experience, being tethered to the mind of human… and thus, we extend to the conscious, and beyond that: the unconscious. What of the collective human experience (yes, that pack-mentality… community), as observed in factions of religious ideologies and henceforth? It cannot possibly speak to the individualistic experience of each man, or woman. Improvement of the group overall, does not speak to improvement of one’s own unique individuation. What their mode of truth is, cannot possibly be one, nor universal? To assume that the human being’s conscience can be controlled, is a common misconception. This is where rebellion is given life. Religion is Absurdissimum. When I speak of religion, I also speak of main-stream spirituality which permeates social-media. Toxic positivity, guised as a mere monopoly… a drug of sorts, to act as a hypothetical dressing to a festering wound which infects, and cuts deeper. The insignificant human’s grasp to something infinite, to justify one’s mortality. “You exist in the 5D, therefore you transcend this temporary existence.” Therefore, does that mean to say that this existence is not real, due to its impermanence? The claim of its existence is in exact opposition to absurdity, or contradiction. One refuses, through conditioning to teeter on that precipice/edge of uncertainty and certainty in favor for the extreme, of that latter. Ah, is this politics then?

In essence, one must do for themselves. The precursor to this, is the will of human… which has to do with the inherent nature of assuming power. That is the drive of human. In one assuming responsibility, one realizes that they are free… and they’ve much to do. With this freedom, however, introduces a crippling fear… that is, the illusion of our accessibility to the infinite. Human beings cannot possibly be limitless, yet this world in-of-itself, due to our small scope of perception, presumes that which outside of us IS infinite (or perceivable through sensorium). What with the “You can do anything you want.” Slogans conflating the natural seeds, of human narcissistic tendencies. The truth of the matter is that “Yes, you can do whatever you want. WITHIN LIMITATIONS.” What control have we? When nothing is predictable, guaranteed—or the like… When nothing, and everything at the same time is both known and unknown.

There are no immediate certainties. Creation of a higher power, or deity beyond ourselves is merely born of the human fear and reality of mortality. That is, beyond human, there is no forever. Therein lies the fear also, of assuming responsibility and direction for the self… thus, one’s alignment to a faction, or pack of sorts, in its animalistic nature is comforting, yet dull and listless.

My lust for this perceivable truth, is one of my cardinal sins. Curiosity is pleasurable.

What do you believe Meryl? :
“That existence, universe, and everything within… is utterly meaningless. It is beyond good, and evil… as well as the limitations of human. To be human is to be given to the temporal, impermanent conception of the ‘self’. There is no metaphysical. There is no beyond-the-beyond. inexplainable phenomena transcends beyond mere consciousness, and structuralism. That is, the deepest and darkest depths of the part we have not yet scaled—we have not yet traversed. The unconscious. Universal, and rooted in the psyche of all human. Human must not find absolute despair in the chaos of a world, most indifferent. There is no deity to cry to. No one gives a shit. There is freedom in that. Human must find their own purpose, otherwise, if they are to ascribe by one given to them, always will they feel lacking. Always will they feel empty. If you must question, there is a dissatisfaction. The betrayal of one’s true nature. Human is attempting to find immortality, through the promise of an enduring renewal of the self. Psychological renewal. Such a parallel is noticeable in allegory, and mythos spread throughout millennia. Human is most interested in human.”

That is my belief, not yours. There cannot possibly be any argument, when I believe you’ve an agency and will to your own beliefs. Take no masters. I do not, myself. Am I fence-sitting to avoid conflict? Non. Rather, I see no point in taking anyone’s opinions personally… for everything, in this world is a matter of opinion. Even what I write, is mere opinion. The core basis is my collection of virtues, and ethics built through time. Human needs moral compass, for preservation after-all. An aspect I have not yet questioned or explored, but will one day, when maturity and understanding calls for it.

The world is pointless, therefore it is funny. Much-like how someone farts randomly, at unexpected times. It is funny, yes? Farts will always be funny, I do not care what anyone thinks. The unexpected, and taboo nature of the fart has me dead. My sensibilities could be described as European to many, due to my bluntness. I had to evolve this over time. Non, I did not happen upon such a state in immediacy. I used to be a coward. Afraid of saying, and writing exactly what is on my mind. Many see me as terrifying due to my being ‘filterless’—those closest to me see me as authentic, and real. What matters is that I chose this for myself. For those I keep closest to me, are ones I can safely be my goofy-ass self around.

Am I a Nihilist? Fuck no. Fuck those guys.

The Mystery Of Life Is Found In You

Still, at this point in-time I consider myself an existentialist. However, as per the nature of myself, I do not abide by any purist convention of existentialism. There are many things, for example of Nietzsche’s, that I can disagree with… many things, which Carl Jung argues… that is in direct contrast to many existentialist beliefs. I speak for the majority, in-which I align myself, at this current point in time. I live as a contradiction, not rightly on purpose… however, through the limitations of reality, and the duality which it presents, what other choice have I?

Many of we existentialists know that life is meaningless, thus, we must seek our own meaning in this world, of absurdity. None of this matters, and what a wonderful thing that is? I do not control anything outside of me. What freedom that is…

This surface level of suffering is grounded, fundamentally in existential issues.

Authenticity.

The existential crisis is very human. That is, the desire to find meaning in life… the crises of identify and our confronting the reality that we will one day, no longer exist… that we ourselves are ultimately alone. It is anxieties, which expand outside of ourselves. The fragile perceived self is shedding, what are we left with? How are we to go at it alone, to cleave ourselves away from the crowd? Would we lose ourselves in the sea of our own madness. Yes, that is another facet to consider. This world is much-like the symbol of the Tao. Absolute balance (wholeness) is sought after, although balance is no constant state.

The philosophical stance that the existentialist believes in, is free-will… however, to the limitations of human. Choices, and action. Freedom leads to responsibility, of course.

I am led to consciously define myself, in-relation to the world around me… and others. That is why I do this. The more I understand myself, the more I can understand this world, and the others in it. It is as simple as that.

BRANCHES OF EXISTENTIAL THERAPY:
Daseinanalysis (relation to the world).
Logotherapy.
American Existential-humanistic Approach (authentic self).
British School Of Existential Analysis.

It is possible, that I may ascribe to phenomenology… and this may be due to the influence of my applying it, for my PhD. Also, the fact that phenomenology itself… evolved from existentialism philosophy. The question of reality, the question of being and so-forth.

In exploring the various needs of the individual about the ontological conditions of being, Nietzsche asserted that all things are in a state of “ontological privation,” in which they long to become more than they are.

Nietzsche argued that all things, by man, are in a state of “Privation”, that is through the ontological realm. Which, in this context, ‘it’, being ‘man’ longs to become more than they are. Phenomenology took Nietzsche and Kierkegaard’s philosophy of human issues a step further, providing a rigor.


My theory, before of the conscious and unconscious being corollary to the first world and second world respectively, can there-upon be compared to the Existential therapist ‘Four Worlds’ system. And you know what links into this four world theory? Tarot.

Physical dimension: Pentacles. (Relation to physical reality)
Social dimension: Water. (Relation to others)
Psychological dimension: Swords. (Relation to thoughts)
Spiritual dimension: Wands. (Relation to the subconscious/metaphysical)

To function at a healthy capacity, one must balance precariously between these four worlds.

I-Thou Relationship:

I have alluded to this truth, many a-time. That we cannot possibly love another, in their totality. Instead, we can only be afforded an abstraction from-which we can only gather understanding, through our own lens of reality. As aforementioned, the one I love is loved due to his fitting the projection of my unconscious traits. I relate to him, through my conceptualization of HIM, rather than HIM in totality. Only HE can know himself in TOTALITY. More than anyone else.

Although, there are rare moments where a meeting… almost fated and beyond comprehension with this other… where we feel the discrete boundaries are shed. They are you, and you are they. A unity of being.

We must remember, however that such an object of affection is a free agent. Such an object of affection acts of its own will, with its own unconscious… with its own fears and desires. True love, and connection IS this “I and Thou” proposition in my eyes.

Please, let me experience you as a separate instance from everyone else. I will shed mine mask, if you were to shed yours. I wish to experience you as a truly independent subject. Regardless of your form. Show me who you truly are.

You must understand. The love I hold for you is deeper than mere eros, or romantic ideals. For you, I see your ugliness. For you, I see past idealizations. It is beyond love, what I feel for you.

I have transcended beyond my former longing and desire for romance. This love I had found in you, is much higher. Is it spiritual? No. I do not believe in the spiritual. Rather, I believe it is something beyond the self. Something of the unconscious. And always, had I loved that darkness deep within me. The one of which I always knew remained, yet never understood. It is in you, I see it realized. I see it in the flesh. One cannot be whole without that darkness. Great strength can be harnessed from it.

When we do find one another. What other choice have we, but to love one another?

We’ll come back to one another, when the time is right. It’ll take a long time… but that’s what we both have. Time. Right now, you ought to ask yourself the most important questions. I know you’re confused. I know you’re terrified. I’ve felt that too. Know that I know, and only you can find that answer. When you are ready, that is when we’ll begin again. Don’t you understand? I have always loved you. But right now, you must whittle yourself into being!

What is most fundamental to you? Who are you… what do you stand for? Then you will know what it is, that means most to you in this life. I won’t lie. It is a long process, but I see in you, that you can do it. Because once, I was much like you. Much time alone, was needed for me to find who I am within the deepest, and darkest depths of the totality of mine conscious/unconscious mind.

Sure, I’m not there. There is no such thing as there. No human is capable of reaching there, unless, they wish to have their mind swallowed whole by their unconscious.

Although, I will say… I do feel more adjusted… more permanent in this self which was created anew. No self ought to live forever. That is, for the one in pursuit of self-mastery of the self. Kubrick once did say that one forges a wonder for the world, in their maturity… for the world, more permanent, than the one from childhood.



Art Reflects Humanity.

Well, duh. Art is categorized in the Humanities for a reason. Art is very Human.

In my further exploration, and elucidations into the subconscious and its nebulous… yet mysterious powers, I find the correlation in all forms of art. Music, and the like. For instance:

I now realize, that this song ‘Meet Me In The Woods’, is about a man who is fighting with himself. That is, the dark place, he speaks of is his unconscious. And how he Fucked with the forces, that our eyes cannot see.

“I took a little journey to the unknown” = The unconscious/subconscious.

Love always gets thrown into the mix, as well as any form of intimacy. After-all, there is no better interaction/relationship between one another, than love to illuminate the darkness within ourselves. That is why, we are drawn to the relationships we are drawn to. Perhaps, to heal that rift within ourselves. I can attest to my history in relationships, being unfavorable and the exact opposite of idealistic. I do not regret any of them, however… for they’ve granted me of a helm onto who I am, as a person.

The man in the song, has actually returned from his Call To Adventure, forever changed, as he says that he “…can feel it in my bones.” Also, the numinous forces of the subconscious cannot possible be communicated, through mere language. Imagery, only. In his saying “There ain’t no language for the things I’ve seen.” The interesting thing about this figure, singing and professing to an obvious love of his… is that he wishes to reveal his darkness to her, and see hers as well. That is, to be vulnerable. “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

The night is seen as dangerous, yet seductive and romantic… for instance. And the night alludes to the unconscious, the darker aspect of ourselves. Much-like the Animus/Anima who lurks in that aspect of ourselves. Yes, that is how love occurs… Love-At-First-Sight. I speak not of bodily love (lust), exclusively. I speak of a love more developed, and one more higher.

It is through great suffering and pain, I believe, only maturation can occur.

An Existential Perspective On Love.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”
― Soren Kierkegaard

I am blessed to be at this point in my life, where I have delved into existentialism for the first time… perhaps, before then I was blessed with phenomenological methodological structures from my PhD. To understand consciousness, how it pertains to each unique Point-Of-View in-relation to human. How we all, have differing fields of consciousness, and different manners of perception which dictate our understanding. All is a matter of opinion. Human beings, are all the same… yet very different at the same time. The contradictions must exist with one another, much as the symbol of TAO demonstrates. It is within the duality which exists within a separate instance, that it is identified.

Also, dammit. I enjoy writing. Although some of you are enjoying my posts (which, I wonder why, If my future husband had a nut allergy, he would surely die)… this is truly for my own therapy. Existential Therapy. I recommend it for everyone!

Now, back to the topic at hand about philosophy and how this world exists by that grand illusion of separation. MAYA, as it is known in Sanskrit.

8 Important Taoist Visual Symbols

Many traditions have their own version of the Tao. As I’ve noticed, in my delving into the esoteric, I notice ‘The Temperance’:

Temperance Meaning - Major Arcana Tarot Card Meanings – Labyrinthos
An androgynous being. They are a unification of both man, and woman. Blending elements together, into one.

Life can be only understood backwards, as Kierkegaard once said. What he means to say, is that we’ve our eidetic experiences to reflect upon… and the strange irony here, is that life can only be lived forwards. That is not to say, that the future happens upon us in an instance. The future is an illusion, as much as the past is. Rather, now with abstract of both perceivable pasts and futures is all we have.

Do it, or don’t do it. That is the essence of philosophy.

Meryl loves love. That is why Meryl writes about love, a lot. She is attempting to find out, what it means… not just to others, but to her herself. Why does she will to love deeply, and madly? Why does she long for the one who casts shadows much like her own? She knows it has much to do with herself, past the other. Love, is egoic and selfish. We love the other, for how we exist in relation to thou. She knows now, that her love all has to do with the traits she had unconsciously identified within her own field of being unto others. That is, it ought to lead to whoever it is, she is seeking one day (ah the romanticism in her will never die). The unconscious knows, past little her which she calls the self.


“Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved. Those who think they can love only the people they prefer do not love at all. Love discovers truths about individuals that others cannot see”
― Soren Kierkegaard

When we are in-trouble, or upset… and we’ve lost all meaning to our lives. Of course, we will be selfish. We will be self-absorbed. The solution is to navel-gaze, and to look within ourselves… and perhaps, we hope… that somehow we will find that missing part of ourselves. However, if we do this to the extent of absolute isolation, we are swallowed whole by our subconscious. I caution to those, like me who enjoy their solitude. Who can often times, cut themselves off from others in pursuit of these imagined issues within ourselves. Non! Do not do it. You will lose yourself forever. Look to the madmen who had gone off on their own, separating themselves from others. How could they identify themselves as human, without other humans? They cannot. Their very shape, and conception of their being is given existence through the presence of the ‘other’.

We humans need one another, or we will be lost forever in the labyrinth of our own minds. The issues in-which we sought for resolving within ourselves, will become us. Thus, we sink deeper and deeper into that despair.


Re-engage with the world, do not dis-engage with the world.

I had done this, and such a pursuit had nearly sent me insane. Little you, is nothing compared to the Mariana trench which is your subconscious. Separate from the labels. They do not define you. Although I myself am diagnosed with HFA (Asperger’s syndrome), I do not rightly believe that is all that I am. Rather, it identifies a set of traits, within the condition that I myself exhibit. It is part of me, absolutely… however, it does not constitute me, as a whole. The limitations of the label, is obvious… as are the constructivist ideals of language and symbiology. Again, all is a matter of opinion from consciousness to consciousness. There is no universal truth that HUMAN can understand. Surely, perhaps it exists? However, no human could ever grasp it. That is why human has taken it upon themselves to invent their own. Whether that be will, and force of government/societal structures and the like. BELIEVE IN THIS! THIS IS REALITY! THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH! OBEY! Human fears that it will never discover that philosopher’s stone—that golden boon—that holy grail. Whatever it is. Therefore, metaphysical and transcendental explanation enters into the arena of thought. We cannot explain such phenomena, therefore it answers a question which cannot be answered.

How is it that such a conundrum presents itself in this manner? The answer to an answerless question, is an answerless answer.

More thoughts…

We are much more malleable than we often like to admit, or think. That is, in limitations to our shape. Much like the tree, from the acorn. The acorn is expected to turn into a tree. Its development… whether it thrives or not, is another condition to consider.

BACK TO LOVE.
Yes, we do not choose to love those who we love. Not to contradict myself, as I have done in my previous writings… I believe one can choose to love, however, this love is one that is enduring, and one which is seen in marriage and familial members who annoy you. As for the love, which Kierkegaard speaks of… it is far more idealistic, and romantic.

There is truth, however, that love discovers truths about individuals that others cannot see. That is, it alludes to the subconscious. It is never the conscious fragile ‘self’ which chooses to love, at first sight… rather, it is the subconscious.

To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.”
― Soren Kierkegaard

That is why, despite heart-break after heart-break. Struggle, after struggle. I do not deny love. I will always love, and I will always keep my heart open to love. I had tried to shut my heart off in my youth… I had tried to drown those feelings under an illusion of stoicism—seeing those emotions as weak. Yes, I cannot love the other. I do not need anyone else. I do not need love. What a lie I tell myself. I was fooling myself, into believing that love was weakness… when in reality, my running from love and refusing it IS WEAKNESS. As human, I love. Nevermind pop ballads about people saying “Do not love again.” Nevermind you. Love prevails. Love exists. In many forms.

This romanticist in me will never die.

And many people, are afraid of love… for to love truthfully is to be vulnerable. I have feared love, for a very… very… long time. Yet, paradoxically, I had desired love. And such a love exists, I believe. And he exists. And always, had I loved him.

In a world of billions, and billions. He’s out there. And when I happen upon him (or he happens upon me), we will both know.

Have I met him yet, as he is meant to be? Non. He exists however… or perhaps, one day he will exist?

Mind Over Matter.

I’m trying to figure out, what is inside of this mind. If I am compelled to jump in, head-first to the darker recesses of it. I will lose myself. I will be given to insanity.

Thus, I do not take the endeavor lightly. Only little by little, do I submerge myself into its depths.

The mind will consume you, if you do not tread lightly. Little ‘you’ will be lost. Either you become trapped in the void, or you come back… victorious, finding that piece most seductive. The inner-light. Thus, what you ‘were’ is transformed anew.

Either you embrace the deepest, darkest depths of the self… or you await it. The tides will rise, regardless. We’ve not any choice in the matter. The concept of ‘self’, in all of its ‘fragility’, is temporary.

All of these prevailing theories, and mysteries having to do with the metaphysical works to explain the part of ourselves, we will never understand. The subconscious. That which cannot be explained, is reduced to mere mystery… and even then, that explains, nothing at all.

I cannot be truly alone, lest I willingly surrender my ‘self’ to the absurdity of my subconscious. My responsibilities, and duties which exist outside of this labrynth is what keeps me anchored, thus, it grants that fragile ‘self’ a purpose.

“White Room Torture” comes to mind. If there is no sensory output, no interaction with others… nothing. One has no choice, but to turn inwards. They’ve no other choice, but to drown in the sea of their subconscious. The mind eats itself.

Love goes much deeper, than pure physical impulse. Rather it is the urge to discover more of one’s ‘true self’. The hidden, and seductive hidden in the unconscious. That is why, when we are drawn to the other… we cannot intellectualize why that is so, for the powers at play, have much to do with the unconscious.

I do know, that my drive and pull to love has much to do with this. It is the ugliness, and darkness within myself I’ve yet to explore… I can see projected onto the other. This fragile little ‘self’, has no power over that projection. Thus, that strange familiarity of the other comes into play. That strange concept of ‘soul-mates’, is all linked to the unconscious mind’s recognition of what exists in its deepest recesses, in the other. “Yes, I feel as if you have always known me… Hence I have always loved you.”

That is why I am driven to love you, you reflect to me… the parts within myself, I want to accept. In loving you, I shall integrate that which, within myself, I reject.

I believe the second-world theory, is corollary to one’s unconscious. Whilst, the first-world in this parallel… refers to the conscious self.

First world = Consciousness. The fragile, and temporal state of the ‘self’ used to navigate this existence in the now.

Second world = The Unconscious.
One which is unlimited, uncharted, mysterious… beyond conscious conception. No human in reality has the ability to access all of it, unless they are willing to sacrifice that fragile self. Madness would ensue. One would become everything, and nothing at all. The self is sacrificed, dissolved among that sea of unlimited potential. To human, it is unlimited… for one cannot scale its very depths, in its entirety and keep their consciousness intact. For the unconscious goes beyond-the-beyond of that limitation, of the fragile self. What we identify, and we come to know as ourselves… living in this material existence. One that is victim to change. One that has no choice, ultimately to the inexplicable chaos and meaningless of this world. The unconscious, in comparison to the conscious can be seen in this manner. Chaotic, and meaningless. The fragile self tries its best to assign meaning to it. Whether that be through spiritual, or religious affiliations. Signs, symbols (semiotics). These constructivist ideals, to find order in something which does not require it to exist.

Why be jealous of one who loves another? It is as if you are being jealous of your own unconscious self loving another, who also has an unconscious of their own. That which you seek on the outside of yourself, is already within. How? In-order for one to identify that which you seek in the other, you must have a conception of what it is… therefore, you have had it all along. In loving you, I am being selfish… and egoic. For, I can only love that which I identify (unconsciously) within the constellation/microcosm of mine own world.

I love you, because you reflect back to me, me.

In essence, aren’t we all the same… in the end?

No, no. Part of me will always love him. Because, the unconscious prevails. That unlimited aspect, which had identified that potentiality within him. Who he is to become (more of himself, as a tree grows from an acorn… simply does). You are not absent from me. Rather, you are always with me, for that which I had loved in you, I myself possess. In my subconscious. Is this unconditional love? Yes, I suppose it is.

There is no need for obsession, or longing to possess you. For you never left. Even before, I had happened upon you, you existed… although, not yet in the flesh.

Therefore, I set you free. And always, will I love you.

Should we be, we will meet one another again. And things will be different.

What a gift, the conscious mind is.

I do not let my loving you pain me, rather I attempt to… as much as I can, learn much about myself in loving you. That is a very important thing to consider.

Existential Therapy is one of my favorites.

Existential therapy is based on a broad range of insights, values, and principles derived from phenomenological and existential philosophies.

Where all one’s unlimited potential lies… the unconscious. Life is all about actualization of bliss. That is, to become more of who we must. Also known by Nietzsche as ‘Self-Mastery’. For one to transform, one must explore their not yet discovered depths of their unconscious. That is, in search of the philosopher’s stone—also known as the ‘Ultimate Boon’—the unrealized potentialities hidden within. Thus, all answers you seek are within.

Call to adventure: In the form of an animal. One either answers that call, or stay a victim to be saved. There is also the guide/teacher and ferrymen who assists the adventurer (The Hermit/Heirophant).

The Threshold Guardian: Represents one shadow, the portion of one’s personality which has been rejected, and thus relegated to the surface layers of the unconscious. If one accepts this rejected aspect of themselves, one gains an inner strength.

Through this adventure, one’s previous self begins to disintegrate. Thereupon a more impressive self, is birthed in its place. Death occurs in a dark place, such as in a cave or the belly of a womb. The adventurer will face the light, once they are reborn… (Maternal symbol). Reborn with a new sense of purpose, and strength. The unrealized potential.

An expansion of consciousness and therewith of being. Whilst this is a highly significant moment in one’s life, it is not at all the end of the journey.

With this power, comes the possibility of outer influence to corrup that harnessed potential. Mimicry, and enslavement to the opinion of others can be a prison… however one knows they’ve reached that unique pathway to bliss, if they themselves stand alone, secure, without influence of any other. Of course, this must be maintained, in-order to keep this ‘light’ intact. Easily, it can be lost… and in it being lost, one is called to adventure again.

The perilous journey of creativity, will reveal who we truly are… unto ourselves.

Stop thinking about it. What do you feel? Don’t let your mind rule over the matters of your heart!

Do not get lost in that beautiful mind of yours.

Do not get lost in that beautiful mind of yours!

Please… just. Do. Not. Get. Lost.

Please… find yourself.

Contradiction Of The Former

There is something deeply romantic about the mysterious. The human mind remains a frontier, people dare to explore. It contains wondrous surprises… the human mind is a deceptive abysses. For there is no guide to one’s mind. For there is no map to follow. One must go alone. With the old cliched ‘The answer was inside of you, all along”, this is what it refers to. If one is not careful, in exploring their mind in solitude… the mind may consume you whole. As what had happened to Nietzsche… what gave way to his madness, had much to do with his descent into the depths of his own mind. Although, there are many speculations that there may be pathological reasons as to why this had occurred many believe his madness was a result of the psychological. Nietzsche knew pain.

His isolation led to his insanity.


I had suffered great pain, and such pain impels me to dive deep into my mind. It is a necessity. I’ve no choice in the matter.

So, here I be, still refuting my own beliefs. Perhaps there is something beyond-the-beyond… however, such a place is beyond human conception of description. For one to reach divinity, in flesh, one must be released from their mind—or rather, the fragile self. This is in reference to Nietszche’s Superman. In his becoming mad, perhaps he became that ideal? His consciousness inflated, joining all mass consciousness… he became everything and surpassed the human limitations of perception and physicality. Everything.

What is forever? Is that an absence of time? Or is it time unlimited?

What is it? I do not know yet. I know that this world, the one we perceive through the human sensorium is constrained to time. I know, in that this physical reality does not promise forever. Its very existence, pertains to change. It is change.

And all of this occurs in the mind. The sensorium, are always implicitly tethered to one’s neurology. We cannot forget that. We cannot throw that out, in favor for pure transcendental thought.

The mind is the limitation? If that is so… if one is to lose it, can one observe their elevation to the higher ideal of self? Or, is that the cost it takes for one to reach that ideal?

Perhaps everything is both a lie, and the truth? As per my human limitations, what is my truth. Is my cleaving away myself, from others, in absolute solitude worth it? Should I do so, would I not lose myself? Why do I wish to lose the self? Is it to be without suffering, is it to live in absolute bliss? Yes.

This world is built on both suffering, and elation. One cannot have one without the other. One must have self to be in of this world. The physical world.

The self will always have some level of fragility, with age and maturation… each self is more enduring than the last.

What keeps me anchored here? So I do not drown in the sea of my subconscious? So that little me—that conception of what I deem to be self is not swallowed whole, and perishes to be transformed into everything all at once. This physical reality, of course. In its immediacy. Does that contradict my former writing about my disbelief of the second world theory? perhaps, although, my skepticism still arises in what the second world is. Perhaps it is merely a shadow of the self… that is, the subconscious.

Perhaps that is what the metaphysical is? That which exists within the mind. That which cannot be grasped. Something nebulous, and psychological in its nature. Perhaps not transcendental although, even at this point in time human cannot explain unmeasurable phenomena past tautologies.

Perhaps the limitation, has much to do with the mind which projects and of course… contains the conception of self? Again, if one were to shed themselves of that limitation, will that lead to one being limitless? Meaning, the price to pay is madness. Can one be limitless, if the self which is used to define one dissolved? How is it possible?

In this world, I’ve come to realize that duality is the prevailing condition. The anchor to reason, in this world. That is, in being human and possessing this conception of the self. To be part of the totality of everything, one must be shed of the mind, thus, the self must be dissolved. This is like death itself. To be human, is to live in limitation. To be human, is to have that conception of self.

Is to be lack of the self, like the state before one was ever born? We cannot conceive that, for again, as aforementioned… the self is the veil.

I’ve still more to explore. Namely, literature of Carl Jung’s.

Perhaps the imagined, is synonymous to the metaphysical? Then that is my next pursuit… to question what is in a mind—or, conversely… what is a mind?

Not just with philosophy, but also with neuro-science, and psychology.

Why do I do this? To understand the self, and to of course… improve the self. So that I may better connect, and understand others. All of my life, I have felt disconnected from others… and all of my life, I have longed to be connected. To be truly understood.

One day, I want to help others navigate out of the darkness of their own subconscious. Their true enemy, being themselves… not that which they experience outside of themselves. One day, I want to.

But…

How could others ever understand me, if I do not understand this self. As fragile, and as temporary as it is. It exists here, and now… as I have written this. This explains the delays in finding it. The pursuit appears to be impossible, and I am glad that it is.

‘I swear to you gentlemen, that to be overly conscious is a sickness, a real, thorough sickness”— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

For it gives my life purpose. That is why I had pursued my counterpart, mine soulmate in the flesh. To discover that of myself, which exists primarily in the subconscious. He reflects that back to me. The parts harrowing. The parts seductive. The parts consuming. The parts borne of madness (true freedom). I am both intrigued, and terrified. Yet, I’ve no choice but to love him, and I continue to love him madly. He is beyond the beyond, for what I conceive of him is reversed. Planted as the seed, within my heart… as it beats to his very image, imprinted on the back of mine eye-lids. There, sprouting up to illuminate the darker secrets which hide within me. I will find you, when you find yourself. Come back to me, one day. And when you do, it is then there we will be ready for one another. We’ve much to discuss, we’ve much to learn. Always had I loved you, for how couldn’t I have? It is in the imagined, you were there forming. You were there, waiting for me to happen upon you… and there, I saw you. Always hidden, standing illuminated in the crowd… as if you were one of its very fixtures to that hall of noise. Subdued, hidden in the darkness… just like the surprises which hide in my own unconscious. Laid bare through his eyes… the depth of the light which had existed within him… he could not hide it. How could he have? His eyes revealed it to me. Like the guiding, searching beam of a light house. A glimmer, which cried out toward me for salvation. One which had pulled me to question that sensation… one which had led me to flee away in cowardice. The treasure submerged beneath all of that ugliness, he had within him. The timing was wrong. I knew that to be true. But I begged, and pleaded. “You must exist, you must! Reveal yourself to me, regardless of how you are formed at this moment.” And that is why I had found him most beautiful. I speak of you, mine love. For there is none other, which parallels your beauty.

I wish to find my own philosopher’s stone, that is to find the treasure hidden within the unconscious depths of mine self… This treasure, in reality is the human struggle. One we all long to attain. Whether we are conscious of it, or not.

Only the brave can reach it. This symbol points to one of life’s secrets which is expressed in countless symbolical ways in mythology.” — Carl Jung.

The metaphysical IS the unconscious.

The Death Of Metaphysics.

Understanding the essence of the Universe. The ultimate constitution of knowledge. What goes beyond the physical. The implication of the metaphysical world, is that it is higher than the physical world… due to it predating the existence (as assumed by the two world theory) of the physical world. Strangely enough, this belief is found throughout all cultures. Nowadays, many would argue that ingesting tabs of acid or DMT would reveal the metaphysical… although, I argue that has much to do with altering the human sensorium, to project this reality in a different way. Yes, it is your neurology.

For that which I do not understand, I endeavor to understand further. Such as in the case of emotions, and matters of the heart… or pure intuition. Fear, being one of the involuntary reactions. Who chooses to be afraid, for instance? And in that fear, comes my question of “Is there such thing as beyond the beyond?”

One requires an ontological basis, to form questions from. A system/methodological basis will always be needed, for the philosophy. It is for this reason, that one questions the questions within the question. The nature of epistemology, perhaps?

When I am in despair, it is then there… I know, that there is a conflict between my head and my heart. Whatever it is I attend to, voraciously… it becomes my reality.

“I see nothing other than becoming”. — Heraclitus.

I do not believe the human being is capable of experiencing the metaphysical world. Of course not, human beings are limited in their perceptual tools (sensorium). Thereby, this leads one to question whether or not one can assume it exists. Just because one feels that it does, does not provide rational proof or explanation in-relation to how this world is. The two world theory, and esoteric belief systems pre-date before the conception of time for man. I myself had spent my early twenties, in search for the ultimate truth, in-relation to this reality. Rabbit hole, after rabbit hole… conspiracy theory, after conspiracy theory. I have spent many years down that path, attempting to find what truth is, subjectively. That, whether or not this reality I am living in IS illusion, and that there is something beyond the beyond, due to my feeling that there is.

Belief in a metaphysical world, cannot be sought through rational argument or observation. Therefore, how can it be? Can it simply be, just because it is? No.

Is it an irrational belief motivated by fear, perhaps? To the extent, that we cling to that ideal… for in reality, there is no beyond-the-beyond, that this reality is the only reality that one can ever truly experience.

Then again, for me to say that “there is no universal truth to be known…”—is that not a universal truth in of itself? Am I to be like that of the Ouroboros, to be forever eating its own tail?

I reflect upon this concept, for at this stage in my life I am tired, and I am old (twenty-six). I question why I had wanted to believe in the esoteric, all throughout my early twenties… why I had wanted to believe, so desperately in something bigger than myself—something beyond-the-beyond. That was, to stave off the emptiness which I felt internally. That nothing really does matter, and there is no such thing as meaning. That this is all that there is.

Tarot cards, fortune readings… all falsely read my perceived future; for I was afraid of uncertainty. For I was bound to the ifs and buts of this world—that something either is, or isn’t—that something is guaranteed, regardless of what I will. Why such a practice hasn’t been refuted, has much to do with placing the responsibility on this perceived unlimited possibility. That one manifested this reality into being, as opposed to what was read—or, that they CHOSE the other path. I have found this be false. In this world being bound to the ifs or buts, the spiritual new age market has its advantage. Either the outcome is positive, or negative… it depends on the context… it depends on what spirit wills for you. Then what is it, dammit? It is I that chose the outcome, or spirit?

Will To Power = Nothing More Than Setting Values Upon People.
On, or on opposite to others.

I admit that my clinging to the concept of fate and destiny, had to do with my fear in navigating life’s arduous path for myself. Yes, insecurity… yes, fear. To calm that unaddressed aspect of the self, that I will never love. That yes, I must marry one day. That yes, he will be everything I had ever wanted. That yes, finally, deep within me the emptiness will mar and I will feel complete. He will understand me, like no other… just as I will, him. Nietzsche was in-fact influenced by his era (Romanticism), in his post-structuralist theories. However, he did not let himself get carried away in the lofty ideals… that the romanticist clung to.

But why? To what is the rational explanation to this? It cannot be something otherworldly. Such promises feed on hope, and vulnerability. To find certainty, beyond the illusion of certainty that this world cannot possibly offer. This world is absurd. Nothing is guaranteed… and that is why I had believed in the spiritual. That is why I had believed in soulmates… that is why I had spent time, energy, and money on divination measures and tools.


I do not deny that we need some logical systems as a means, and never an end to understanding.


My ultimate refusal, to accept the reality that there is no certainty. All certainty is an illusion.

Nietzsche argued that man seeks truth, in the form of a world that is not self-contradictory… one without deception, or change in-order to escape suffering.

Back to the argument of duality. With the two-world theory arguing that there exists the PHYSICAL WORLD and the METAPHYISCAL WORLD, the human limitation and exception of separation still prevails. Physicality is seen as the ‘shadow’, to the ‘light’ metaphysical world. Yet, the metaphysical world is argued to be beyond the conventions of this reality… which is perceived by human, to be a duality. Therefore, this makes no sense (yes, again, human senses is what is used to dissect and understand this world, clever). Does that mean to say, that the origin/eternal world still exists as per the conventions of separation and duality? Even though it is argued to be a direct opposite, to this world where dichotomies define its existence.

Truism can only be established through stability, concepts and conventions which have yet to be refuted. Metaphysics, being beyond the physical cannot be refuted, for instance. Thus, stability is corollary to the metaphysical.

Many philosophers, share that thought also. That there is nothing permanent, in this world. Regardless, the search for something of the kind has been ubiquitous. That is what I had longed for, and searched for. Forever, and forever does not exist. That is why, we have grown, through civilizations built upon the ones which presaged the other… the concept of the metaphysical. That is why, it still permeates through this 21st century. That is why religion still prevails.

“There seems to be a deep-rooted tendency in the human mind to seek something that persists through change. Consequently the desire for explanation seems to be satisfied by the discovery that what appears to be new and different was there all the time.” L.S Stebbing.

“Philosophy started in the faith that beneath this apparent chaos there exists a hidden permanence and unity, discernible, if not by sense, then by the mind… Central is the faith that beneath the apparent multiplicity and confusion of the universe around us there exists a fundamental simplicity and stability which reason may discover”W.K.C. Guthrie, The Greek Philosophers p.24

The metaphysical need. This explains the nonsense, parroted by each Tarot reader in-regards to “You may not be together in the physical, but both of your souls are bound eternally”. The fluffy, fancy speak of the ‘5D’, and how both of you ought to love yourselves one another to be in union because the metaphysical urges it. And the metaphysical IS permanence. That beyond this world, exists a realm which is divine and perfect. Where suffering does not exist.


“To invent fables about a world ‘other’ than this one has no meaning at all, unless an instinct of slander, detraction, and suspicion against life has gained the upper hand in us: in that case we avenge ourselves against life with a phantasmagoria of ‘another’, a ‘better’ life.” — Nietzsche.

Thus… the imagined. The dream of forever, IS the Illusion. The metaphysical world is a world fabricated from physical needs. All religious factions, all doctrines… with their hypocrisy tied to control, and elimination of self-actualization and thought, they employ this. That human need to believe in something permanent, everlasting… something that is forever. Beyond the beyond.

I was once weak, and cowardly in my clinging to the belief of a metaphysical world. There is nothing beyond everything we experience, here. No matter how terrifying, disappointing, and heart-breaking life may be. I will continue to endure, affirm, and face it. I remain faithful to the earth. My clinging to this world, beyond the beyond, again had to do with my refusal to accept my insignificance. My fear.

“The decadents need the lie, it is one of the conditions of their preservation.” — Nietzsche.

Such a comforting promise, the metaphysical offers. IT is the illusion, not what we see here. I do not speak of the conventions, rules, and semiotics as placed here by man. That is another topic—an entirely different one at that, I may or may not go on exploring at a later time (although, I have already done so and know that all systems whether that be democracy or communism be criticized). The physical world, is what I speak of. That is all that there is, to perceive. There is no beyond-the-beyond. My refusal to believe in this reality alone, has led to my being disconnected from it. There are no moral judgements to be made against this universe. For this Universe is beyond the conventions of human judgement. For this universe is not human. We are consequences of the universe. Merely a symptom of it. The Universe is indifferent. Thus, the Universe to myself as a human being in this moment… although, temporary. Is a will to power.

With this Universe, there is no end. There is no beginning.

It is everything, and nothing… all at once. I am a fan of the Unity Of Opposites (Heraclitus), for this reason. My belief, is that everything is nothing… and nothing is everything. We human beings, however cannot perceive this.

Now, as a human being… Initially I used to belief in idealism. That this material world, was not real. Now, however I am not a realist. I am a naturalist.

Science requires no finite resource. By German conventions, it is also known as ‘Knowledge Craft’. Rebuilding established structures of knowledge. Not creating NEW knowledge… but re-framing and re-creating from that which had already, long since been established.

I believe that everything is a matter of opinion, regardless. There is no Universal evaluation in-relation to history. There is no objective historian.

To be swallowed whole by a collective consciousness, due to one’s blood right or history is quite sad. As if, we were antiques of history we ourselves cannot possibly understand—only through abstraction presented to us, by manner of opinion. Thus, our vision of history is reduced. For it cannot go beyond the one perceiving it. Historical views, and cultural ties for instance are devolved down to stereotypes, for example. Looking beyond one’s history, is therefore ideal. That is, through actual evaluation. Distraction toward the good old days, and synthetic nostalgia allows one to cling to an abstraction of greatness. One idealized, and fanciful, due to it being once possible—thus, allowing us to conceive that such greatness may be possible again. By naturalist conventions, this pattern reveals that history… and its patterns presents hope for mankind. Thus, I am not delivering a manner of opinion which is entirely bleak (that would be contradicting my stance on duality).

Should anyone read this, you are apart of it. Whether you like it, or not.


History is not to be looked at, in imitation but rather, for reassurance. Great humans have autonomy, the masses do not.

Reflection On Existentialism.

As an existentialist, I like to question what gives my life meaning. I will be doing this, until I expire. Thus… this leads me to long periods of isolation, which presage contemplation. Is what I believe, sound? Is it truly authentic to me?

Is this to abide by one’s essence? The adherence to one’s essence (what it means to be you, in totality). Essence reveals to one, their true purpose. Before existentialism, we had essentialism.

Friedrich Nietzche is my favorite philosopher/social critic. My reasoning behind this, has much to do with how much I appreciate the concept of free-will. That human, is responsible for determining their own actions in life. Why do we believe in what we believe in? Did we rightly choose it for ourselves? In all truth, everything matters… and nothing matters, all at the same time. Although, arguably many other philosophers also support this argument. Nietzche has a special place, in my admiration pile because he was ruthless in his criticism toward other philosophers, and philosophies which came before him. A blunt honesty, I appreciate.

To question, whether or not the decisions we make are indeed extensions of our deepest held values. Our virtue ethics, in-which we have integrated, and cultivated within, to become more of who we must.

In this world. Everything, is a matter of opinion regardless.

“The ultimate meaninglessness of life.”

My belief, ultimately is that there is no god who created this world with any particular purpose in mind. Rather, the Universe… in its totality, is indifferent. It is, beyond meaning in its cause and effect. Chaotic, to the human who must find meaning by assigning duality to the Universe… doing as it does. Good, or evil… for instance. What occurs, has nothing to do with karmic retribution. What occurs, does. Nietzsche paved the way for the absurdist, with their seeking answers in an answerless world. Essentially, nothing matters. As human beings, we require meaning. We will cry to a deity, or some perceived god in sheer desperation that they assign meaning to us. The freedom to choose, and to take responsibility for one’s life is a terrifying thought, for many. Rather than go through the arduous path, to decide it for ourselves—we run, for this takes considerable strength. The absurdist believes in no reason, and that there are no guarantees to abide by in this world. No karmic/cosmic justice exists, no fairness, no order, and no rules… these are artifices of meaning, as perceived by human.

Sartre argued that it was freedom, which lead to meaninglessness… a strange thing, which Nietzsche argued, led to ones self-liberation. From my stand-point, I believe that they are one in-the-same, as per Heraclitus’ concept of the ‘Unity Of Opposites’. I believe that a singular instance of something, can only be recognized through its opposition. That a singular instance, will always have two instances within. Yes, the act of comparing… the act of contrast, as how it exists to the ‘other’. Everything it is seemingly not, through essence, is. For instance, man and woman are defined by their differences. It is in their differences, they are equal in my eyes. Arguably, this world exists through the lens of separation and duality, where the pursuit of absolute accuracy limits one’s choice in the matter of truth. That is, as per human convention of perception. What is beyond the beyond, is wholeness.

This ultimate freedom, also links back into what was suggested earlier. The courage, and strength which is required by one who decides to pursue this path. In there being an absence of any kind of authority to seek answers, and guidance from… we are left to fend for ourselves. Vulnerable.

Forgive them, for they are human. Just as foolish, and fragile as I am.


One must accept the full weight of their freedom. No matter how painful, no matter how isolating it may seem… that is the true path to freedom. To have complete command and acceptance, over one’s autonomy. That one creates meaning, and meaning itself is not assigned to them by any other. For… In this world, outside of human being… there is no meaning. Thus, there is no Universal order.

There is no answer, until you choose. That is, to choose authentically… as per one’s values. That was always the choice. That was always the decision. Thus, there is no regret.

I am not bewitched by temporary, instantaneous pleasures. Rather, I exercise self-discipline as much as I possibly can. Not rightly, to control but rather to embrace the absurdity that this world entails. Nothing is guaranteed. I, however do not let my head rule my decision-making… rather, I attempt to let both my emotions and thought guide me to it. The heart must never be lost, in favor for the illusion of cerebral superiority—as if feeling in of itself, is the more weaker, and foolish sensation of the two. No. To lose one’s heart, one loses meaning… for one seeks accuracy, in a world where no such thing exists, in the first place.

By my personal admission. I am described as being intimidating, by others due to my unpredictability. I am blunt, forthright, and I don’t feel the need to play by the demands of social niceties unless my inner-values call for it. I care only, to think in a different way in pursuit of my own truth… away from prevailing opinions of the time. I care deeply, love deeply however (as aforementioned, do not let go of the heart), for that is what leads one to be authentic. If my conscience does not abide, I will not do it… it is simple as that.

Above all else, I choose my individuality. So that I may, open myself to all manner of opinion… just as well, so that I may forever transform myself anew and forever contradict myself in seeking self-mastery.

I question everything I believe in, in seeking liberation. There is no certainty, in this life. The quest for the unknown is elusive, and seductive… the security which certainty offers, is not realistic. It is an illusion at best.

True freedom has nothing to do with privilege, rather it has to do with psychological freedom. The ability to not depend on others, or material things. That all things are temporary, and life itself is in a constant flux of change. Transitory. Therefore, nothing is guaranteed in this world. If one wishes to know, if they are truly free… one must ask themselves if they are able to withstand a lack of human companionship. It is not attachment itself, which is the primary issue. Rather, it is the expenditure of energy onto that attachment, which gives evidence to one’s insecurity toward the absurdity of reality. That is, of course, not to say that one should withhold from feeling anything, or loving… rather, one ought to see that all relationships are not permanent. They are transitory. There is no such thing as forever.

The love which prevails strongly in society, nowadays is toxic love… in that, it has much to do with an excess of will-to-power. That is, it is the opposite to what was suggested earlier. One is not comfortable, with the truth that in life, all is transitory. Those who are ‘toxic’, chain themselves to others… the limitation of true freedom lays bare, for the person who is being chained to, and the person doing the chaining themselves. For, the predicate of toxic relationships is ultimately: control.

True love is the freedom of expression from both individuals. One of a mutual inspiration, for the other. It is not possession. The other is free to do what they will, and one must trust that they will honour you, in a manner in-which you honour them. They’ve the freedom to leave, at any time they please.

Therefore, if one is to love you… that is their decision. One needn’t prove to them, that they ought to. One needn’t beg them, or force them. That is not love, rather it is control. Love, is ultimately is a choice. Love is conditional, in its nature. Selfish, and egoic… however, necessary for human kind. Is it bad, or good? It transcends beyond that.

If one is to love me, that is their decision. If I am to love the other, that is my decision just as well. In this world, with no guarantees.. that is somewhat comforting.

The will to systematize reality, is a sign of dishonesty. That is, dishonesty to the self.

As an Academic, of course I know that… my twenty-six year old brain, has been fried. Yet, again. Who needs drugs?