Honor Your Emotions.

I must expand of what I had previously posted. That is, certainty.

Certainties exist only in the present.

Uncertainties exist in both the past, and the future… for they are both abstractions. Neither exist in this moment.

As for emotions…. If we do not consider ourselves, or refuse to ‘love’ ourselves… then there is no way we could ever master our emotions. We must pay careful attention to ourselves, not to forget ourselves.

Do not hide, or disapprove of yourself. Always remember that one must take care of themselves, firstly, to take care of others. Always remember to love yourself, and take care of yourself.

I like to ask myself why I feel the way I do, in any given moment. It’s very important for me, to understand. Emotions, contrary to what is perpetuated through emojis and the like… are complicated.

Human beings can feel many different emotions, simultaneously. Even those, which are in direct contradiction to one another. Whether that be happy, and sad… all at the same time.

Emotions exist in layers.

It is very easy, for us to fear our own emotions. Even those, which are negative… the stigma of ‘bad versus good’, which is presented to us through society, and of course… allegory alike will give evidence to this.

I don’t want to block my heart off from what the world has to offer. I miss feeling. Sweet and sour.

Although emotions may be important to human, it is important to note that emotions do not speak to the entire human experience… rather, they are another element, so-to-speak, which contributes to one’s experience. One sees their negative emotions as pathological, as if abnormal to the human experience… as if a disease to be cured. As an existentialist, I see all emotions as necessary. One may go into philosophical belief systems, such as stoicism to CONTROL their emotions… yes, not those positive, but those negative. As if, to see that feeling a certain way, is dysfunctional.

On the topic of negative emotions, such things can be very painful… such things are at the root of human anguish. I do not say this lightly, for I’ve had my darker experiences myself. Only now, at my twenty-six years I’ve realized that suffering is to be human.

We all run from negative emotions, whether that be through self-medication in the form of substances, anti-depressants, or distractions… addiction comes to mind. In our rejection, and fear of our emotions… they end up ruling our lives. The irony here is that, one is attempting to alleviate themselves of their emotions… when the metaphorical beast will only remain, to eat the innards of one’s psyche. Regardless of substances, regardless of distraction. There is no running.

Don’t suppress your emotions, they will destroy you. As much as you’d like to, your emotions will come out. Always, will you have emotions. The strange thing… is that your emotions, are much stronger than you (that perceived little ‘you’) are.

All of these ‘coping mechanisms’ have something in common. They dull sensitivity. In all truth, we are all sensitive.

In all truth, we are all afraid to be alive. Truly alive. Living is much more terrifying than death.

To live in passion, one lives through their emotions. I believe that emotion and passion go hand-in-hand. It is the fire, and light which burns within us. The fire, which we must learn to tend. The fire will either go out, leaving us in darkness… or it may burn so brightly, that is may consume us. Emotion is energy in motion. Movements out of ourselves, into the world. The way in-which we connect to the world. Everything we do, is of the world. We are not separate units. We are all connected, through each of us being connected in our separate ways. Our emotions speak to us, in how we find ourselves in relation to this world. That is what it is to be alive.

We must tune into our emotions, if we wish to manage and monitor them. We cannot run away from them, any longer. We must honour them. To be one with it. Emotion is the potentiality of energy, awaiting for its application to a certain task.

As an individual on anti-depressants, I do see the difference. I see how the medication narrows my scope of experience. In doing so, it leads me to be less vulnerable, in my trading off my sensitivity. My processing capacity has been cut down, exponentially. Things have been slowed down. The only thing now, that I still feel strongly is love. All of my other emotions have been dulled down. Even sadness. I feel listless, although complacent in this dulling down. Not feeling the will, or need to strive for anything as I once did.

Truth is, I’m a highly sensitive individual. Very much so. Things effect me, greatly. Although, my outer mask is in direct contradiction. Many find me intimidating. This is the shadow aspect of myself, one which is in direct opposition to the softness which is truly me. The true self, I was during my youth. I have hurt greatly, loved greatly… for me, loss is something, which is experienced to an extreme. The pain intense, to the extent that I had wanted to end my own life. That is why, I did not want to feel that pain anymore.

It is not my sensitivity’s fault. It is my denying myself of that sensitivity. To be ashamed of it. In a world where we are commanded to save face. In a world of efficiency… numbers… facts… what of emotion? We cannot deny its existence, regardless. How can I say that romance is such a stupid thing, if it elicits in me an emotion pure, and profound? One powerful, one moving.

I think it’s rather obvious why I make these posts. It’s a form of catharsis for me. A form of honoring these heavier emotions, deep within myself. To understand them better. Where they arise from, and so-forth.

There are two things we complain of, most of the time: Anxiety and depression. Both feel threatening. These two feelings, are in all truth a feeling of rising energy which has not yet found its proper application. Now, why is anxiety and depression narrowed out… above all other emotions in terms of those being negative?

To me, the feeling of despair is a mix of anxiety and depression. To be trapped in the abstractions of anywhere but here. The past, the future? We are stuck inside of our heads, attempting to figure a way out. Emotions are like that of magic, in that they are allow us to fit ourselves into any given situation. That connection.

I’ve plans of quitting my anti-depressants, after I’ve a handle on my life.

We can do better than cope, we can gather existential courage. I do not wish to, or want to deny myself the entirety of human experience. What we want, is matured, and understood emotion. One which is processed, considered and lived-through.

Don’t you know? Your anxiety proves that you are alive. We can kill ourselves in many ways. One way, being us living in a paralyzed fear… one of cold self-forgetfulness. Our disconnection with our emotions, is one way to kill ourselves. The more anxious you are, the more alive you are. Never fear your anxiety, welcome it. Anxiety is proof, that you are alive. As is depression. Depression tells us, that we are sensitive to loss. To deny yourself of this, you deny yourself… of yourself. No one requires you to suffer that much, nor to be suppressed. You are allowed to be completely alive, and to get to know who you truly are. You can be much more free than you are, right now. Do not suppress, or oppress yourself.

Rebellion shows that you are alive. Rebellion shows “I know more about myself, than you ever will.” We all must be able to do that. To take responsibility of our inner understanding of who we truly are, and who we are to become. Do not dim your light.

In my early life, I suppressed my emotion, only for it to overtake me. You are angry? Good. Let it motivate you.

Honour yourself, try to understand how you feel… there is no need to suppress yourself. Even with your walls up, those are mere illusions. Always will you be vulnerable. Either way.

I don’t want to oppress or suppress anything any longer!

I wish, to let it be.

My thanks is given to this video:

The Mystery Of Life Is Found In You

Still, at this point in-time I consider myself an existentialist. However, as per the nature of myself, I do not abide by any purist convention of existentialism. There are many things, for example of Nietzsche’s, that I can disagree with… many things, which Carl Jung argues… that is in direct contrast to many existentialist beliefs. I speak for the majority, in-which I align myself, at this current point in time. I live as a contradiction, not rightly on purpose… however, through the limitations of reality, and the duality which it presents, what other choice have I?

Many of we existentialists know that life is meaningless, thus, we must seek our own meaning in this world, of absurdity. None of this matters, and what a wonderful thing that is? I do not control anything outside of me. What freedom that is…

This surface level of suffering is grounded, fundamentally in existential issues.


The existential crisis is very human. That is, the desire to find meaning in life… the crises of identify and our confronting the reality that we will one day, no longer exist… that we ourselves are ultimately alone. It is anxieties, which expand outside of ourselves. The fragile perceived self is shedding, what are we left with? How are we to go at it alone, to cleave ourselves away from the crowd? Would we lose ourselves in the sea of our own madness. Yes, that is another facet to consider. This world is much-like the symbol of the Tao. Absolute balance (wholeness) is sought after, although balance is no constant state.

The philosophical stance that the existentialist believes in, is free-will… however, to the limitations of human. Choices, and action. Freedom leads to responsibility, of course.

I am led to consciously define myself, in-relation to the world around me… and others. That is why I do this. The more I understand myself, the more I can understand this world, and the others in it. It is as simple as that.

Daseinanalysis (relation to the world).
American Existential-humanistic Approach (authentic self).
British School Of Existential Analysis.

It is possible, that I may ascribe to phenomenology… and this may be due to the influence of my applying it, for my PhD. Also, the fact that phenomenology itself… evolved from existentialism philosophy. The question of reality, the question of being and so-forth.

In exploring the various needs of the individual about the ontological conditions of being, Nietzsche asserted that all things are in a state of “ontological privation,” in which they long to become more than they are.

Nietzsche argued that all things, by man, are in a state of “Privation”, that is through the ontological realm. Which, in this context, ‘it’, being ‘man’ longs to become more than they are. Phenomenology took Nietzsche and Kierkegaard’s philosophy of human issues a step further, providing a rigor.

My theory, before of the conscious and unconscious being corollary to the first world and second world respectively, can there-upon be compared to the Existential therapist ‘Four Worlds’ system. And you know what links into this four world theory? Tarot.

Physical dimension: Pentacles. (Relation to physical reality)
Social dimension: Water. (Relation to others)
Psychological dimension: Swords. (Relation to thoughts)
Spiritual dimension: Wands. (Relation to the subconscious/metaphysical)

To function at a healthy capacity, one must balance precariously between these four worlds.

I-Thou Relationship:

I have alluded to this truth, many a-time. That we cannot possibly love another, in their totality. Instead, we can only be afforded an abstraction from-which we can only gather understanding, through our own lens of reality. As aforementioned, the one I love is loved due to his fitting the projection of my unconscious traits. I relate to him, through my conceptualization of HIM, rather than HIM in totality. Only HE can know himself in TOTALITY. More than anyone else.

Although, there are rare moments where a meeting… almost fated and beyond comprehension with this other… where we feel the discrete boundaries are shed. They are you, and you are they. A unity of being.

We must remember, however that such an object of affection is a free agent. Such an object of affection acts of its own will, with its own unconscious… with its own fears and desires. True love, and connection IS this “I and Thou” proposition in my eyes.

Please, let me experience you as a separate instance from everyone else. I will shed mine mask, if you were to shed yours. I wish to experience you as a truly independent subject. Regardless of your form. Show me who you truly are.

You must understand. The love I hold for you is deeper than mere eros, or romantic ideals. For you, I see your ugliness. For you, I see past idealizations. It is beyond love, what I feel for you.

I have transcended beyond my former longing and desire for romance. This love I had found in you, is much higher. Is it spiritual? No. I do not believe in the spiritual. Rather, I believe it is something beyond the self. Something of the unconscious. And always, had I loved that darkness deep within me. The one of which I always knew remained, yet never understood. It is in you, I see it realized. I see it in the flesh. One cannot be whole without that darkness. Great strength can be harnessed from it.

When we do find one another. What other choice have we, but to love one another?

We’ll come back to one another, when the time is right. It’ll take a long time… but that’s what we both have. Time. Right now, you ought to ask yourself the most important questions. I know you’re confused. I know you’re terrified. I’ve felt that too. Know that I know, and only you can find that answer. When you are ready, that is when we’ll begin again. Don’t you understand? I have always loved you. But right now, you must whittle yourself into being!

What is most fundamental to you? Who are you… what do you stand for? Then you will know what it is, that means most to you in this life. I won’t lie. It is a long process, but I see in you, that you can do it. Because once, I was much like you. Much time alone, was needed for me to find who I am within the deepest, and darkest depths of the totality of mine conscious/unconscious mind.

Sure, I’m not there. There is no such thing as there. No human is capable of reaching there, unless, they wish to have their mind swallowed whole by their unconscious.

Although, I will say… I do feel more adjusted… more permanent in this self which was created anew. No self ought to live forever. That is, for the one in pursuit of self-mastery of the self. Kubrick once did say that one forges a wonder for the world, in their maturity… for the world, more permanent, than the one from childhood.

Art Reflects Humanity.

Well, duh. Art is categorized in the Humanities for a reason. Art is very Human.

In my further exploration, and elucidations into the subconscious and its nebulous… yet mysterious powers, I find the correlation in all forms of art. Music, and the like. For instance:

I now realize, that this song ‘Meet Me In The Woods’, is about a man who is fighting with himself. That is, the dark place, he speaks of is his unconscious. And how he Fucked with the forces, that our eyes cannot see.

“I took a little journey to the unknown” = The unconscious/subconscious.

Love always gets thrown into the mix, as well as any form of intimacy. After-all, there is no better interaction/relationship between one another, than love to illuminate the darkness within ourselves. That is why, we are drawn to the relationships we are drawn to. Perhaps, to heal that rift within ourselves. I can attest to my history in relationships, being unfavorable and the exact opposite of idealistic. I do not regret any of them, however… for they’ve granted me of a helm onto who I am, as a person.

The man in the song, has actually returned from his Call To Adventure, forever changed, as he says that he “…can feel it in my bones.” Also, the numinous forces of the subconscious cannot possible be communicated, through mere language. Imagery, only. In his saying “There ain’t no language for the things I’ve seen.” The interesting thing about this figure, singing and professing to an obvious love of his… is that he wishes to reveal his darkness to her, and see hers as well. That is, to be vulnerable. “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

The night is seen as dangerous, yet seductive and romantic… for instance. And the night alludes to the unconscious, the darker aspect of ourselves. Much-like the Animus/Anima who lurks in that aspect of ourselves. Yes, that is how love occurs… Love-At-First-Sight. I speak not of bodily love (lust), exclusively. I speak of a love more developed, and one more higher.

It is through great suffering and pain, I believe, only maturation can occur.

An Existential Perspective On Love.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”
― Soren Kierkegaard

I am blessed to be at this point in my life, where I have delved into existentialism for the first time… perhaps, before then I was blessed with phenomenological methodological structures from my PhD. To understand consciousness, how it pertains to each unique Point-Of-View in-relation to human. How we all, have differing fields of consciousness, and different manners of perception which dictate our understanding. All is a matter of opinion. Human beings, are all the same… yet very different at the same time. The contradictions must exist with one another, much as the symbol of TAO demonstrates. It is within the duality which exists within a separate instance, that it is identified.

Also, dammit. I enjoy writing. Although some of you are enjoying my posts (which, I wonder why, If my future husband had a nut allergy, he would surely die)… this is truly for my own therapy. Existential Therapy. I recommend it for everyone!

Now, back to the topic at hand about philosophy and how this world exists by that grand illusion of separation. MAYA, as it is known in Sanskrit.

8 Important Taoist Visual Symbols

Many traditions have their own version of the Tao. As I’ve noticed, in my delving into the esoteric, I notice ‘The Temperance’:

Temperance Meaning - Major Arcana Tarot Card Meanings – Labyrinthos
An androgynous being. They are a unification of both man, and woman. Blending elements together, into one.

Life can be only understood backwards, as Kierkegaard once said. What he means to say, is that we’ve our eidetic experiences to reflect upon… and the strange irony here, is that life can only be lived forwards. That is not to say, that the future happens upon us in an instance. The future is an illusion, as much as the past is. Rather, now with abstract of both perceivable pasts and futures is all we have.

Do it, or don’t do it. That is the essence of philosophy.

Meryl loves love. That is why Meryl writes about love, a lot. She is attempting to find out, what it means… not just to others, but to her herself. Why does she will to love deeply, and madly? Why does she long for the one who casts shadows much like her own? She knows it has much to do with herself, past the other. Love, is egoic and selfish. We love the other, for how we exist in relation to thou. She knows now, that her love all has to do with the traits she had unconsciously identified within her own field of being unto others. That is, it ought to lead to whoever it is, she is seeking one day (ah the romanticism in her will never die). The unconscious knows, past little her which she calls the self.

“Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved. Those who think they can love only the people they prefer do not love at all. Love discovers truths about individuals that others cannot see”
― Soren Kierkegaard

When we are in-trouble, or upset… and we’ve lost all meaning to our lives. Of course, we will be selfish. We will be self-absorbed. The solution is to navel-gaze, and to look within ourselves… and perhaps, we hope… that somehow we will find that missing part of ourselves. However, if we do this to the extent of absolute isolation, we are swallowed whole by our subconscious. I caution to those, like me who enjoy their solitude. Who can often times, cut themselves off from others in pursuit of these imagined issues within ourselves. Non! Do not do it. You will lose yourself forever. Look to the madmen who had gone off on their own, separating themselves from others. How could they identify themselves as human, without other humans? They cannot. Their very shape, and conception of their being is given existence through the presence of the ‘other’.

We humans need one another, or we will be lost forever in the labyrinth of our own minds. The issues in-which we sought for resolving within ourselves, will become us. Thus, we sink deeper and deeper into that despair.

Re-engage with the world, do not dis-engage with the world.

I had done this, and such a pursuit had nearly sent me insane. Little you, is nothing compared to the Mariana trench which is your subconscious. Separate from the labels. They do not define you. Although I myself am diagnosed with HFA (Asperger’s syndrome), I do not rightly believe that is all that I am. Rather, it identifies a set of traits, within the condition that I myself exhibit. It is part of me, absolutely… however, it does not constitute me, as a whole. The limitations of the label, is obvious… as are the constructivist ideals of language and symbiology. Again, all is a matter of opinion from consciousness to consciousness. There is no universal truth that HUMAN can understand. Surely, perhaps it exists? However, no human could ever grasp it. That is why human has taken it upon themselves to invent their own. Whether that be will, and force of government/societal structures and the like. BELIEVE IN THIS! THIS IS REALITY! THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH! OBEY! Human fears that it will never discover that philosopher’s stone—that golden boon—that holy grail. Whatever it is. Therefore, metaphysical and transcendental explanation enters into the arena of thought. We cannot explain such phenomena, therefore it answers a question which cannot be answered.

How is it that such a conundrum presents itself in this manner? The answer to an answerless question, is an answerless answer.

More thoughts…

We are much more malleable than we often like to admit, or think. That is, in limitations to our shape. Much like the tree, from the acorn. The acorn is expected to turn into a tree. Its development… whether it thrives or not, is another condition to consider.

Yes, we do not choose to love those who we love. Not to contradict myself, as I have done in my previous writings… I believe one can choose to love, however, this love is one that is enduring, and one which is seen in marriage and familial members who annoy you. As for the love, which Kierkegaard speaks of… it is far more idealistic, and romantic.

There is truth, however, that love discovers truths about individuals that others cannot see. That is, it alludes to the subconscious. It is never the conscious fragile ‘self’ which chooses to love, at first sight… rather, it is the subconscious.

To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.”
― Soren Kierkegaard

That is why, despite heart-break after heart-break. Struggle, after struggle. I do not deny love. I will always love, and I will always keep my heart open to love. I had tried to shut my heart off in my youth… I had tried to drown those feelings under an illusion of stoicism—seeing those emotions as weak. Yes, I cannot love the other. I do not need anyone else. I do not need love. What a lie I tell myself. I was fooling myself, into believing that love was weakness… when in reality, my running from love and refusing it IS WEAKNESS. As human, I love. Nevermind pop ballads about people saying “Do not love again.” Nevermind you. Love prevails. Love exists. In many forms.

This romanticist in me will never die.

And many people, are afraid of love… for to love truthfully is to be vulnerable. I have feared love, for a very… very… long time. Yet, paradoxically, I had desired love. And such a love exists, I believe. And he exists. And always, had I loved him.

In a world of billions, and billions. He’s out there. And when I happen upon him (or he happens upon me), we will both know.

Have I met him yet, as he is meant to be? Non. He exists however… or perhaps, one day he will exist?

Mind Over Matter.

I’m trying to figure out, what is inside of this mind. If I am compelled to jump in, head-first to the darker recesses of it. I will lose myself. I will be given to insanity.

Thus, I do not take the endeavor lightly. Only little by little, do I submerge myself into its depths.

The mind will consume you, if you do not tread lightly. Little ‘you’ will be lost. Either you become trapped in the void, or you come back… victorious, finding that piece most seductive. The inner-light. Thus, what you ‘were’ is transformed anew.

Either you embrace the deepest, darkest depths of the self… or you await it. The tides will rise, regardless. We’ve not any choice in the matter. The concept of ‘self’, in all of its ‘fragility’, is temporary.

All of these prevailing theories, and mysteries having to do with the metaphysical works to explain the part of ourselves, we will never understand. The subconscious. That which cannot be explained, is reduced to mere mystery… and even then, that explains, nothing at all.

I cannot be truly alone, lest I willingly surrender my ‘self’ to the absurdity of my subconscious. My responsibilities, and duties which exist outside of this labrynth is what keeps me anchored, thus, it grants that fragile ‘self’ a purpose.

“White Room Torture” comes to mind. If there is no sensory output, no interaction with others… nothing. One has no choice, but to turn inwards. They’ve no other choice, but to drown in the sea of their subconscious. The mind eats itself.

Love goes much deeper, than pure physical impulse. Rather it is the urge to discover more of one’s ‘true self’. The hidden, and seductive hidden in the unconscious. That is why, when we are drawn to the other… we cannot intellectualize why that is so, for the powers at play, have much to do with the unconscious.

I do know, that my drive and pull to love has much to do with this. It is the ugliness, and darkness within myself I’ve yet to explore… I can see projected onto the other. This fragile little ‘self’, has no power over that projection. Thus, that strange familiarity of the other comes into play. That strange concept of ‘soul-mates’, is all linked to the unconscious mind’s recognition of what exists in its deepest recesses, in the other. “Yes, I feel as if you have always known me… Hence I have always loved you.”

That is why I am driven to love you, you reflect to me… the parts within myself, I want to accept. In loving you, I shall integrate that which, within myself, I reject.

I believe the second-world theory, is corollary to one’s unconscious. Whilst, the first-world in this parallel… refers to the conscious self.

First world = Consciousness. The fragile, and temporal state of the ‘self’ used to navigate this existence in the now.

Second world = The Unconscious.
One which is unlimited, uncharted, mysterious… beyond conscious conception. No human in reality has the ability to access all of it, unless they are willing to sacrifice that fragile self. Madness would ensue. One would become everything, and nothing at all. The self is sacrificed, dissolved among that sea of unlimited potential. To human, it is unlimited… for one cannot scale its very depths, in its entirety and keep their consciousness intact. For the unconscious goes beyond-the-beyond of that limitation, of the fragile self. What we identify, and we come to know as ourselves… living in this material existence. One that is victim to change. One that has no choice, ultimately to the inexplicable chaos and meaningless of this world. The unconscious, in comparison to the conscious can be seen in this manner. Chaotic, and meaningless. The fragile self tries its best to assign meaning to it. Whether that be through spiritual, or religious affiliations. Signs, symbols (semiotics). These constructivist ideals, to find order in something which does not require it to exist.

Why be jealous of one who loves another? It is as if you are being jealous of your own unconscious self loving another, who also has an unconscious of their own. That which you seek on the outside of yourself, is already within. How? In-order for one to identify that which you seek in the other, you must have a conception of what it is… therefore, you have had it all along. In loving you, I am being selfish… and egoic. For, I can only love that which I identify (unconsciously) within the constellation/microcosm of mine own world.

I love you, because you reflect back to me, me.

In essence, aren’t we all the same… in the end?

No, no. Part of me will always love him. Because, the unconscious prevails. That unlimited aspect, which had identified that potentiality within him. Who he is to become (more of himself, as a tree grows from an acorn… simply does). You are not absent from me. Rather, you are always with me, for that which I had loved in you, I myself possess. In my subconscious. Is this unconditional love? Yes, I suppose it is.

There is no need for obsession, or longing to possess you. For you never left. Even before, I had happened upon you, you existed… although, not yet in the flesh.

Therefore, I set you free. And always, will I love you.

Should we be, we will meet one another again. And things will be different.

What a gift, the conscious mind is.

I do not let my loving you pain me, rather I attempt to… as much as I can, learn much about myself in loving you. That is a very important thing to consider.

Existential Therapy is one of my favorites.

Existential therapy is based on a broad range of insights, values, and principles derived from phenomenological and existential philosophies.

Where all one’s unlimited potential lies… the unconscious. Life is all about actualization of bliss. That is, to become more of who we must. Also known by Nietzsche as ‘Self-Mastery’. For one to transform, one must explore their not yet discovered depths of their unconscious. That is, in search of the philosopher’s stone—also known as the ‘Ultimate Boon’—the unrealized potentialities hidden within. Thus, all answers you seek are within.

Call to adventure: In the form of an animal. One either answers that call, or stay a victim to be saved. There is also the guide/teacher and ferrymen who assists the adventurer (The Hermit/Heirophant).

The Threshold Guardian: Represents one shadow, the portion of one’s personality which has been rejected, and thus relegated to the surface layers of the unconscious. If one accepts this rejected aspect of themselves, one gains an inner strength.

Through this adventure, one’s previous self begins to disintegrate. Thereupon a more impressive self, is birthed in its place. Death occurs in a dark place, such as in a cave or the belly of a womb. The adventurer will face the light, once they are reborn… (Maternal symbol). Reborn with a new sense of purpose, and strength. The unrealized potential.

An expansion of consciousness and therewith of being. Whilst this is a highly significant moment in one’s life, it is not at all the end of the journey.

With this power, comes the possibility of outer influence to corrup that harnessed potential. Mimicry, and enslavement to the opinion of others can be a prison… however one knows they’ve reached that unique pathway to bliss, if they themselves stand alone, secure, without influence of any other. Of course, this must be maintained, in-order to keep this ‘light’ intact. Easily, it can be lost… and in it being lost, one is called to adventure again.

The perilous journey of creativity, will reveal who we truly are… unto ourselves.

Stop thinking about it. What do you feel? Don’t let your mind rule over the matters of your heart!

Do not get lost in that beautiful mind of yours.

Do not get lost in that beautiful mind of yours!

Please… just. Do. Not. Get. Lost.

Please… find yourself.

Explorations Into ‘love’.

A musing, for my own pursuit of mastery. The emptiness that had long since resided in me, presaged by an existential crisis I had suffered at the age of six—I knew I was going to die one day, and this traumatizing guarantee, haunted me throughout the rest of my life… deeply buried in my subconscious, awaiting to be addressed through the future existential crises that would await me.

True friendship is mutual inspiration. True love, is mutual inspiration. The will, and desire to be better in one anothers presence

Work on myself had not begun until my early 20s… thence, at this point in my life (at 27) I have, and will be open to being contradictory to myself. Philosophy intrigues me, however. Admittedly I had sworn off literature and texts associated… in favor for more esoteric, and metaphysical conventions. In my search for my own personal truth, I find this is still unsatisfactory in addressing, as well as rationalizing much of my inner-processes… and by that extension, my understanding of the world around me.

Even then, I’ve clung to ideals: tarot readings (private, and online general readings), fortune tellers, and occult knowledge to address the void which exists within me. I clung to externalities to tell me what truth is… due to my lacking the strength, and courage to take it upon myself to look within. Yes, I relied on others to tell me how things ought to be… that this emptiness within me, needed to be addressed by more programming and reification of the sort. This void… it consists of ones darkest and rejected tidings. One of absolute dissolution, emptiness and uncertainty. At this point in my life, I have arrived at my true purpose in life. To master the self.

In my being enlightened, I realize that spirituality is not what I assume… nor is the esoteric, through my own belief and understanding (just as well, the influence of being exposed to those misguided). The Universe, to me, is indifferent to the struggle of man. There is no good, or evil, in-relation to its order. Whether humanity exists, or perishes, will make no difference. In this conviction, I do not adopt a completely pessimistic stance, however… for I believe in formulating my own ‘meaning’ fit for myself… unique to myself.

My pursuit of love had much to do with my lack of understanding toward it, just as well… the fickle representations/abstractions of it I had been exposed to, by way of culture. We are bombarded with this idea of love as being essential. The answer to all manners of unhappiness, and suffering… yes, that love is ‘all that you need…’

It does not help, that such preachings are tied to religious Dogma, which Friedrich Nietzsche criticized. What is love? Is it demanding? It it controlling? Is it conditional? If it is unconditional… does that mean to say that we allow ourselves to be used, and abused for the sake of upholding that “all-loving” ideal?

For the longest time this is what I had believed in, and I believe it to be my ultimate purpose and goal in life:

Yes, love will fulfill me. Yes. I must find someone who will love me… as it is preached, I will be complete. They will understand me. They will make me suffer, no longer.

Such sentiments are peppered, and scattered into my art. It is more than obvious. I have found that this ‘soulmate’, is not another man. He could never be… rather, he is the idealized version of the ‘self’. Why is he male? Because, unknowingly through culture, we seek that which we wish to create within ourselves anew… in the other (Carl Jung, also calls this the Animus/masculine energy which the feminine desires and vice versa). Even then, in ideal commitments (I will discuss this further), mutual inspiration from one another is a requirement for a relationship to function.

I criticize greatly, that path in-which I had once walked, after desperation and my desire to escape life’s promise of suffering, bubbled to the surface… love was the panacea to my perceived failings. Love would cleanse me anew… I sought future husband readings by way of astrological charts, and readings from internet physics. “This is your soulmate, therefore you cannot resist, but love this person… it is decided by the universe. This is what he looks like, whether you like it or not.”

What utter bullshit that is. Nonsense! How would any single person KNOW who it is you decide to bind your life to? I abandon such an idea… now seeing the fallibility of it. That we are no will to choose, who we decidedly partner ourselves to, for the rest of our lives? That is not what makes, human, human. To surrender all decision, and choice… I did so in my weakest moments, for I did not want to face repercussions of my having chosen wrong. “Therefore O’ Universe/perceived deity or god… please choose for me, for I’ve not the strength to do so myself!”

Enduring love, IS A CHOICE.

In my seeking more understanding in-relation… I realize that this is pure selfishness, on my part. Through evidence of my brief encounters with ‘romance’, I had never loved the other… rather, the idea of them. However much… a bitter pill to swallow, I will admit this truth to myself. I loved, only to serve that purpose within myself. I loved what I wanted to see of the other, never them. The abstraction, and projection (interestingly, even in life partnerships… your partner will still be an abstraction/projection… albeit, to a lesser degree). I loved the surface of them… the physicality, what they could be, as opposed to what they are. In my digging underneath the surface, or when my lust had waned, my feelings would subside.

Pure selfishness. Unabashedly egoic, and greedy… I had not realized this human fascination, was so. After-all, love is sold on every street corner, nestled into the products we assume will complete us, and all of media. Why, we’ve the dating industry capitalizing on this weakness within man, and woman alike! And trust me, I have participated in online dating, in pursuit of that selfish ideal. Disappointment met me, due to the disillusion I held from my naiveté toward what true, and sustaining love is. That… and… well… have you been online dating? Something about the act, always made me feel slimy…

I had obsessed over this notion. Assuming it would be the end, and end all to my life’s suffering. That it would fulfill my life’s purpose. That it was my life’s purpose… to find the one.

In my deconstructing and opposing this belief within me, I had an existential crisis. I wept, and wept out to my surroundings… wailing, “What purpose have I, now that I have found that my desire and longing for love was a lie?” For all I had done, and all I had achieved up until this point in my life was for that idealized love. That only if I loved myself more, or that I worked on myself more… they would come, and I would be complete. We would fall in-love passionately, and such a sensation would last us… well into our twilight years.

Such thought ideals arose during the likes of the Romanticism movement. A movement, I am familiar with through my love of composers, and pianists alike. Romanticism preached the ideas, and of course… ideals, that it is possible, and even expected to romantically partner with someone. That, initial attraction to the other is seen as love. The mistaken assumption, also… additionally is that love is tied to the something which endures, as seen in ‘happily ever-afters’ and so-forth. Before then, marriage and partnering had to do with practical matters, past anything else.

“Romanticism The romanticist, an individual who firmly believes that it is their will against the world, whether their actions are rational or irrational it doesn’t matter. The romanticist will sacrifice everything for their ideals, this in turn will result in unsurpassed and immortal greatness or unrecoverable failure. A romanticist is a creator, an artist, someone that lives on pure freedom and imagination. Nothing constrains a romanticist, for even moral values if meant to be sacrificed for an ideal is but a small price to pay. This results in radical innovations, thinking that deviates from rational analysis. For a romanticist individual, learning comes from failure and the outcome is re-invention. “ (In all truth, I am a romanticist existentialist)

Love at first sight became, and is still the widely accepted notion. It is within this rhetoric, we assume that these lustful feelings will not die… but rather… grow. That we will always have butterflies for one another… and always, will they be sexy to us. Never to disappoint us. Never to hurt us. Never to let us down.

In my diatribe on the matter, I forgive myself somewhat… however. After-all, love is not introduced to us in a matter-of-fact manner. It is purely instinctual, and intuitive. It is not taught to us in schools… rather, we are expected to clumsily navigate it for ourselves, relying on human instinct and agency. How strange that is… What we know, and understand of love, is beyond our control in the seminal years, just as well. Via the influence of our parents (this is not permanent, and can be changed if one is willing to welcome an ego death or two).

It is no wonder why, we have many people who are afraid of love. There is no certainty, there is no understanding. The vague emotional states that we are thrown into… “Yes, I want to jump his bones… is this love?”—and we are expected to just roll with it. That is what culture portends. Yes, this is what falling in-love is. We live in a society and culture, that has little understanding of what true love is. Romantic Comedies? Never again. Disney princesses? True love does not heal all.

Friedrich Nietzsche’s writings (one of my favorite philosophers, as an existentialist, myself) illuminated me to this reality of love. He, as well as Plato’s “Symposium On Love” and Schopenhauer’s more darker reflections on reality. The way I had approached love was purely idealistic, one that was assumed to be based upon the idea of ‘selflessness’. That to love the other, is not a selfish act… nor does it coincide with greed. Just as well, this idea… in my alluding to Aristophanes’ story on our never-ending quest to find one another (soulmates) had deluded me of the reality. That we are not complete, until we found that one. And oh… how the pop ballads sing “My whole world began, when I met youuuuuu!” Even then, I am certain that Aristophanes wasn’t serious… I think he was just bullshitting…

Anyhow… love, ultimately, just like everything else to humankind… is a will to power. Ideal connections, and relationships ARE a mutual exchange in will to power.

I strive, therefore to one day love a person due to their fulfilling me… and my fulfilling them. That there is mutual inspiration sourced from one another. Just as well, even without eros (sexual attraction/love) we are best-friends. I would much prefer, I marry someone that I can have long conversations with… than someone who gives me the fleeting, soon to diminish feeling of butterflies. What we love, is not another person… but rather an abstraction. Eroticism permeates all of life, even to the higher annals of spirituality. Of course, in love it is important… however, it is not what a relationship with endurance should strictly consist of. Want that? Go on tinder and have some more one-night stands.

Love which endures, is ultimately a choice. We will annoy one another, anger one another… One day, the sexual attraction I had toward you, will diminish… you will feel the same, just as well… but at least I can talk to you about anything. At least we can rely, and depend on one another. At least we can still spend hours and hours, talking about anything. We mutually inspire one another, to be better… and to improve, just as well.

That is the love, I am after. One enduring, not passionate… or strictly erotic. One stable.

And in my stating this as such, Initially, I had assumed that love itself was ethereal…

Now, this man I had once ‘dreamed of’ is placed into the realm of possibility… no more a caricature of this idealization I projected onto the other… as opposed to myself. But a real man. One in the flesh. One with flaws. One I love, and one I’ve yet to know. With you, there is no waiting.